Yes, I'm a Vegetarian. No, I Don't Hate You Because You're Not.

This morning I received a note from my Facebook friend Tony Cates, saying he was going to do a Video Game Babes profile on me for Examiner.com. I was incredibly flattered. I was also surprised that he was going to include a little Facebook rant I wrote a while back about being a vegetarian. Here it is:

'I've been a vegetarian for 18 years. I don't care if you eat/cook/talk about meat in front of me. You don't have to apologize for eating meat. You don't have to tell me how many years you were a vegetarian or why it didn't work for you. I am not judging you and I am not recruiting. Now, can we just go out to eat?

I'll be honest with you. I forgot I wrote that. And it's now been two decades since I ate meat. Most people who hang out with me know I'm veggie. But if you've never been out to eat with me, you probably don't. It's not something I bring up a lot. Not because I'm hiding it. And not because I don't have every reason that I am burned into my brain and ready to recite. It's because I don't need to hear your apology.

You need to read 'Bunnicula.' Trust me. Vegetarian Vampire Rabbit.

That's right. Being vegetarian makes people more uncomfortable than when they try to figure out if someone is pregnant or just had a lot of beer. You feel judged, don't you? When I say, 'I'm a vegetarian,' you feel like I've just told you that all your life choices suck and you're a cruel person. And any secret guilt (and admit it...some of you do feel guilty) comes rushing to the surface from that time you went to the petting zoo, cuddled a baby cow and then ate McDonald's on the way home.

I saw this in Scotland. And no, I wasn't insane enough to try it.

Well, I am here to tell you, I don't give a shit. Sorry for the harshness. I believe I've warned you all about my truck driver mouth in the past. You do not have to tell me that you tried it once and it made you sick. I know it does that to some people. You don't have to make sure I'm aware that all your pets are rescues. I think that's wonderful. It doesn't matter to me that you gave up pork after you saw 'Babe.' Awesome for the piggies, but here's the thing. I'm not judging. Your choices are your own. I don't get to judge. I certainly don't think less of you than I did five minutes ago. I already assumed you ate chicken and I liked you anyway.

I'm not going to moo at you while you eat. It's an incredibly rare event when I say I can't eat somewhere. Almost every place either has something veggie or will make something. I'm not going to make a scene in a restaurant. Pissing off waiters only makes them spit in your food. If I come to your house and you're not already serving veggie food, I'll offer to bring some or just eat salad. But stop getting all twitchy on me. I don't care about your religion or politics either. I may argue about your choice of video game or Marvel vs. DC. I'll defend my opinions on movies all day long. I'll work my ass off to convince you that World of Warcraft is a legitimate use of my free time. But unless you're eating an eyeball, I'm not going to say a word about what's on your plate. Now, let's go grab dinner.

In case you're curious though, here are the answers to questions I'm always asked:

When did you decide to become a vegetarian?

I never liked the taste of meat as a kid and once I made the connection between the Long Island Game Farm where I'd just pet baby chicks and what was on my plate, I told my mother I didn't want to eat it anymore. She tried telling me the chickens on my plate died of old age or were hit by a car and already dead. She tried saying I could do what I wanted the second I left her house. I did. But for most of my childhood, our West Highland Terrier, Dundee ate the meat off my plate.

Do you do it for health reasons or because you love animals?

Yes. I'm thinner, I get sick less and I have a lot more energy since I stopped eating meat. And I love animals so much I can't even kill a bug. We had a bee infestation and Eric and I caught them and released them, and they promptly flew around the house and back inside. I do it for both reasons.

I found it so hard to get protein when I was a veggie. How do you get yours?

In the beginning, I lived on cream cheese and crackers. And spray cheese. Oh, I am not proud of it but it's true. Nowadays, there are so many ways to get protein outside of tofu and beans. There are products like Quorn (try their cutlets with the goat cheese and cranberries inside) and Morningstar Farms has a ton of stuff as well. My mom bought me their Chix patties and my dad ate them for two years, not realizing they weren't chicken.

Is your husband vegetarian because you made him stop eating meat?

He's been veggie for twelve years and I had nothing to do with it. I didn't care if he was a vegetarian any more than I care if you are. I mean, he probably wouldn't have done it if we hadn't been together, but I did not guilt him/cajole him/withhold anything from him. If he stopped tomorrow, it's his decision, not mine.

I still eat fish and I call myself a vegetarian. Do you hate me?

Nope. But you're not a vegetarian. We don't eat animals. Fish are not made of cardboard. By the way, my dad offers to grill cardboard for me every time I see him. :)

Are your pets vegetarian?

Dude, I have a snake. He eats rats. They don't make those out of tofu. My cats eat cat food. My dog eats everything. Though I will admit, he does love soy protein. And my bunny...well, he steals dog food, so I suppose even he isn't veggie.

I love you all. Now finish your hamburger.

I'm Back...and Defending Emoticons

It's been a while. I know. But trust me, I've been busy. For the past few months, I've been hosting the Moviefone Minute. Yes, I know it's more like two minutes, but hey, I'm a talker. There was Comic Con, which was both amazing and exhausting. (I finally bought my sonic screwdriver...which required a screwdriver to open.)

Oh my god, I love this thing!

And I've had some crazy interviews. Julia Roberts laughed at my name, telling me that if I'd been the other Jenna Bus(c)h, she would have had to discuss politics. My first Skype interview with the very awesome Derek Mears from Hawaii, where he's filming 'Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.' Angelina Jolie telling me she eats spiders. Mickey Rourke asking me if we'd met in a bar the night before. Russell Brand betting me I could have sex with 17 people in an hour. Oh, believe me, we left that one off the final interview. That's what I get for telling him I was impossible to offend. :)

Why yes, that is an emoticon you see at the end of that sentence. I know it's a big no no for people over the age of 16. And I couldn't care less.

I'm pretty sure you're no different than me in that you analyze what people say. Big phone call with the boss? Then I bet you spent at least 15 minutes reading into what he or she sounded like. Was that anger in her voice? Was there a bit of sarcasm? Did she sound excited about the new project or bored out of her skull? Just have a run in with that guy you like? Oh, I guarantee you're replaying it over and over in your head, trying to read the body language and debating the meaning of each and every gorgeous blink of his baby blues.

In the age of social networking, we're friends with people we've never met in person and probably never will. We have meaningful conversations in 140 characters. We talk to celebrities on Twitter and we send each other quick notes in a thousand different forms...but they're all written. There is no body language to dissect. There is no sound to endlessly ponder. No way to detect sarcasm. (Oh, how desperately we need a sarcasm font!) I've sent emails to people that have set off wars because no one got the joke. And so I rely on two little symbols. : and ) to express my good mood. The joke I'm making. That I really don't mean to be a bitch when I ask for just one more favor. :( means I'm sorry I'm turning down drinks for the thousandth time because I have 5 more articles to write. Without it, 'Sorry. Deadlines are keeping me chained to my computer' sounds kind of obnoxious.

My favorite one isn't on here.

Anyone who's spoken to me in person or watched my videos knows that I'm not subtle. I'm loud. I speak with my hands. My facial expressions are one arched eyebrow short of a cartoon character. I started in musical theater. What can I say?

This is from Evita at the Zachary Scott Theatre in Austin, TX.

I'm just as goofy/chatty/over the top in my writing most of the time. I compare movies like 'Inglourious Basterds' to cheese and noodles. But in short emails and Twitter updates, I feel a bit handcuffed. (My friends swear that if you made me sit on my hands, I wouldn't be able to speak.) When happiness can be expressed in 2 characters, why not take advantage of it?

So here's my point. In the age of Twitter, the rules have changed. Emoticons are tools like any other. You aren't bothered by BRB and OMG. You're totally comfortable giving up #SpacesBetweenWordsForHashtags. You tell people that, if you could be bothered with actual human contact, you'd be giving them ::hugs::. So a couple of smiley faces here and there don't mean you're trying to relive your teenage years. They're just letting people know, in the shortest way possible, that you don't mean to sound like an ass when you post, @whoever Oh frak you. :)

We refer to that mic flag as the 'shot killer.' It's all over ABC's coverage of the 'Salt' premiere.