Makeup Commericals LIE!!! (And lots of geeky goodness)

Today, I'm taking time out of your regularly scheduled programming to talk about something girlie. Makeup advertising. And really, advertising in general, so guys, give me a sec here. And below I have links to all the craziness I've been up to lately. (PLANET HULK and Mel Gibson interviews to come.)

Anyway, I've been home because of the rainpocalypse and when I'm on my couch, the television is on. Daytime programming is god awful and the commercials are worse. For those of you who don't know, I was a makeup artist for fifteen years. (Wanna see my craziness? Check it out here.)

Yes, that's a dragon on my leg.

So I see this commercial for roll-on foundation. It comes with it's own special paint roller.

I could make jokes about spackle, but I'm sure the one you just came up with is funnier. I'm sorry, but who is stupid enough to buy into this? I don't care that Evangeline Lilly is hawking this crap. I guarantee she isn't using it. This is the same bullshit I see every few weeks. Vibrating mascara? No, I'm not kidding.

Anyone think those are real lashes?

Unless you're buying this because you're too embarassed to enter a sex shop to purchase a "personal massager", you have been duped. (I'm sorry. We've all done it. I know I did before I sold this crap on QVC. Not kidding about that either.) In case you didn't know (and the industry makes sure you don't), the cosmetics industry is not regulated by the FDA. So they can sell you as many magic 'you won't have any more wrinkles on your 50-year-old face' potions and 'your eyelashes will be so long you'll whack the person down the hall with them' serums as they want. In case you're wondering, every single mascara commercial has models in fake lashes! Fake lashes in commercials selling you a black-tinted cream to make your lashes look full! If that isn't blatant false advertising, I don't know what is.

So here's the deal. Before you buy, think about this. If the creams worked that well, no one would spend thousands of dollars on cosmetic surgery. If the mascaras were so amazing, everyone would be smacking each other with their lashes. 'Hope in a Jar' is bullshit. Powder filled with mica (shine is baaaad when you're trying to cover flaws...hear me Bare Essentials?) isn't going to give you flawless skin and oh my god no, you shouldn't sleep in it! Are you insane? And plastering your foundation on with a paint roller is very, very stupid. We now return you to your regularly scheduled geeky program.

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